Parenting Choices

I've been seeing a lot of questionable parenting practices lately that have really left me feeling rather incredulous at humanity. Now, I realize that some may argue that I don't know what it's like to deal with the struggles and choices parents make because I am not a mother. Well, be assured that I have spent 3 years caring for children from six months to almost five years old, I've cared for twins, siblings of much different ages and individually. Trust me when I tell you that these are choices I have never made when caring for any of my "other" kids.

I saw some sad, sad choices being made when I attended an early morning showing of The Dark Knight Rises. First, I know Batman is super cool and kids love Batman, but common sense dictates (especially if you saw The Dark Knight) that this is a violent movie. The fact that I saw countless children, and yes, I'm talking ages 6 and under, at this movie is entirely inappropriate. I know your Batman loving 5-year-old really wants to see Batman, but as a parent you have to tell them no. If this was a movie appropriate for a child that age, it would be rated G. Please remember that. 

Also, and this terribly disturbed me, a man and a woman walked in with their infant. First, this was an IMAX showing, which is like sitting with a live band right next to your ear for the 2 hours and 45 minutes this movie is on. Understanding the sight and hearing developments an infant is enduring, the loud BOOMS and bright flashes of light on the movie screen are NOT good for an infant. Plus, how can you properly care for your child when you're engrossed in, what was, an awesome movie? Leave your child at home. If you can't get a sitter, wait a few more days to see the movie. You made the choice to have a child, and now that child's needs come before your desires to see a movie the day it comes out.

Temper Tantrums. It's inevitable. But, what I have witnessed all summer long is parents who have been giving in to tantrums. I know they're exhausting, embarrassing, and wholly inconvenient, but, strong discipline is essential to eliminating these episodes. So, getting your kid that toy just to shut them up may work for the time being, so you can get your shopping done, but it only teaches them that tantrums work. Really, what needs to happen is that when a tantrum occurs, you leave the store, teaching your child that it doesn't work and that they need to use their words to explain what they want and accept the answer of no. It's a long hard road, but, the benefits outweigh what you'll spend in buying your child everything they demand and raising an obnoxious child, who's used to getting everything they want. If that's too much, don't bring your kids shopping. Again, your child's needs come first. If you can't arrange for someone to watch your child while you shop, wait to shop. Or, teach them how to behave in public. Either is good. 

Swearing in front of your kid. As an avid curser, I understand that slips happen. Sometimes, that one time you slipped was enough to teach your kid a new word. The problem occurs when people laugh at the kid who's cursing because we find it amusing in their sweet, higher pitched voices. That only teaches children that they're gaining your positive attention and they'll keep doing it. The best choice here, if your child repeats your slip, is to be upfront with your kid. Explain that the word is not nice and it wasn't right of you to use it and apologize to your child for saying it. You'd be amazed at how well this explanation works with kids both young and older. For those who do it all the time, please stop. Your 3-year-old doesn't need to hear about the asshole you work with, while you're on the phone with whomever in the checkout line. Again, you made the choice to have a child. Now you have to make changes to your vocabulary around that child. 

Being rude to store employees in front of your child. I remember, in my bookstore days, a woman who came into the store with her 7 or 8-year-old to return a book. The receipt was well past the 90 days and we couldn't provide the return. The woman went from kind to evil demon spawn in less than a second. While her child stared up at us, she jumped right into calling me stupid for working in a retail establishment and challenged my goals in life for working there (even though by that point I held a masters degree and was just struggling to find work in my field, not that she cared to know), and then argued with me about how I could do the return, I just wouldn't. When I showed her both the part on the receipt and the sign above my head that explained the policy, she looked to her son, who watched us the whole time, and asked him if he agreed that I was stupid for not just doing the return and he, of course, agreed with his mom and looked me in the eyes and told me I was stupid. So, she taught him 1) it's okay to demean employees, 2) that the rules don't apply to you, 3) name calling is acceptable amongst adults. It's occasions like this where I wish having children involved an application process. 

Suffice it to say, I'm a little frustrated. I wish parents would show better judgement and remember that having children isn't something you just do, it's a life change and a choice. 

In the name of religion...

We live in a world full of differences: races, sexual preferences, opinions, truths, and religion. What's great about being an American is that legally no one can persecuted for having these differences. But, what about morally and ethically? The one thing about being a member of a society that allows all these differences is that eventually, you will encounter someone who disagrees with you. While disagreeing is perfectly legal and our right as Americans, some take it too far.
I'm currently reading Richard Dawkins' thought provoking book, The God Delusion, which, regardless of your religious preferences, forces the reader to examine where we all stand in regard to religion and what it means to be a part of any religious camp. So many things happen in the name of religion: wars, attacks, hate crimes--nearly all of which are of the negative. I've never understood how bombing or attacking another group of people in the name of religion is a good thing or something to be proud of. If that's the truth, then that is a God/religion that I don't want any part of, and that includes the people who follow it.
Luckily, in this country, very few groups or individuals attack entire communities or cities in the name of religion, but individual attacks occur on a much too regular basis. In a study from 2009, 51% of hate crimes are race hate crimes, with 69% percent of those being against blacks and crimes against hispanics are quickly rising (Hate Crimes in America). Not that it needs reminding, but there are also far too many crimes against people for their sexual preferences and for their non-christian and non-catholic religious preferences.
While some hate crimes are simply, pardon the conclusion, as black and white as "I hate all these people" most hate crimes occur because the "haters" believe their religion teaches them that this behavior or activity is wrong. In 2007, Arkansas republican group leader Patrick Briney stated that hate crime laws are flawed because it "punish[es] people for their opinions" (Five Reasons to Oppose Hate Crime Bills). I think what scares me the most is that he may be implying that it's okay to think that all homosexuals should die because "the Bible teaches us that homosexuality is a sin" you just need to control yourself enough to go ahead and not harm them, but know in your heart that god will punish them (FRtOHCB).
He also argues that hate crime bills favor certain groups in providing additional protection because of their differences, which is unfair and violates everyone else's protection rights. I say, it's easy for someone who's not a target to make a statement like that. When you don't have to worry about being a part of a group or organization that people feel is morally wrong because it's written so in an ambiguously written book from much too long ago, it's easy to say that people don't need extra protection. Yet, on the hypocritical flip side, after 9/11 any "brown" skinned person that anyone thought was al-Qaeda was threatened, assaulted, afraid to leave their homes because everyone else blamed them by association for the attacks. And he's saying that extra protection isn't necessary?
After all this time, I just don't understand why an individual can call themselves a devoted religious person, and then beat someone to near death because they are attracted to their own sex or because they remind us of someone else who has wronged us.
While I agree that as a country we are moving forward as far as being open and understanding to people who chose to live differently than the social norm, but I definitely see those who cling to religion as a reason to harm these people becoming more and more radical in their actions. It scares me. There's also not an equal level of freedom expression accepted amongst the populace. Dawkins writes about how religion is the one thing that people can't speak outwardly against without severe retaliation. I ask why? If we can put someone down for being a non-christian and feel okay about it, why can't anyone outwardly speak against religious activists? It's a strange tightrope to walk. Why can't people involved in the public be honest about what they really believe without scrutiny to the public? Do we really think an athiest president would do a worse job of being president than a christian? Are we really afraid an athiest teacher teaching in a private school will corrupt his/her students? These things show me that freedom and acceptance of differences is still set in the future.

In case you want to look into the statistics or anything else mentioned:
Briney, Patrick (2007). Five reasons to oppose hate crime bills. Arkansas republican assembly. Retrieved from: http://www.arragopwing.com/hatecrimesposition.html.
Dawkins, Richard. (2006). The god delusion. New York: Houghton Mifflin Publishing.
Leadership for Conferences for Civil and Human Rights. (2009). Hate crimes in america: The nature and magnitude of the problem. The leadership conference. Retrieved from: http://www.civilrights.org/publications/hatecrimes/nature-and-magnitude.html.

homeowner woes and fur-mom concerns

It's been an insane few weeks in our household. We finally had our patio installed, although the process was certainly taxing.

It took longer than the 2 days that we were told, which wouldn't be a huge problem except that the workers never told us and just left, right before the 4th holiday, so they didn't return for two days. So, upon figuring out on our own that they were gone, we had to cancel our 4th plans last minute. On top of that, they left machinery and junk in the yard and two fence panels off the fence for the entire four days it took to install the patio. This problem was exacerbated by our new family edition:

Without fence panels and with materials in the yard, our fur-pup, Katniss, was unable to play in the yard and we had to put a hold on outside potty training. She then started using the carpet as her toilet. Once the guys left, and the house was again quiet, she returned to using the pee pads that she was previously trained on.

This brings me to our current state of things: we have an awesome dog who is cute, loving, and mostly listens, BUT doesn't understand that outside is the bathroom and she escapes from every device or room she is held in when my husband and I leave the house.
First, we bought a doggie gate and put it in the laundry room doorway. This is the room where her pee pad is, so we thought she could potty there and we put a doggie bed with toys within. What does she do? She learns to jump the fence.
We then go out to an event for the 4th and we put her back in the room, this time with an ottoman blocking the gate and four boxes on top of it to discourage jumping. What does she do? She jumps and bites on the lower box, pulling it toward her so the top box falls in her room and she can then jump the box and ottoman and escape.
Then, I order a play pen/crate. She came from a home that kept her crated a lot, so I didn't want to buy a cage crate. We left yesterday for 30 minutes. She tore through thick canvas to create a small, 5 inch rip and escaped.
Needless to say, yesterday I bought a cage crate. We practiced her going in the crate, praising her and even sitting there with the door closed. We then closed her in and went upstairs for about 5 minutes. Nothing but crying and trying to escape. I'm honestly not convinced this cage will detain her, but I'm more worried about her hurting herself trying to get out. She has intense separation anxiety--she was left alone a lot at her last home.

I'm definitely looking for some house training suggestions.

Fixing Education?

I know most of my posts are silly or just fabulous nuggets of knowledge, but I need to get real. I'm in the last week of my third grad class for my second master's and we've been studying some controversial issues in education. This is a great platform to investigate and engage in a professional discussion of such ideas, as we are all of a different mind. For this week's reading, I just need to vent.

A year and a half ago, a group of superintendents got together and created an "education manifesto," which pledges a commitment to improving education and educational standards for students. Sounds awesome, right? Think again. In this manifesto, the superintendents make an egregious error: identifying that students are not influenced by their zip code and that it is only the quality of the teacher that is the reason that students are so far behind academically. (insert hair pulling scream) What? So, what they're stating is that a student from a wealthy zip code and a student from a poverty stricken zip code can perform exactly the same in the classroom, provided they have a quality educator. While I believe ALL students have the innate ability to learn, no student based on race or gender has more or less of a chance to do well in school, but I will say that environment plays a key factor in that success.

A student who comes from a home where their parents are mostly home each night, where they can discuss school or ask for homework help, where their neighborhood is safe, and where parents provide a sense of security for that student has a much better chance to do well in school than the student who lives in an area riddled with gang violence, where parents work two and three jobs to make ends meet, where kids eat ramen for dinner regularly because that's all there is, where they're a week from living on the streets, or play parent to their younger siblings. Zip code completely matters. Yet, this manifesto blames teachers for students' lack of success. I spend about 50 minutes a day with each of my kids. While I know that I make an impact, in some way on my students, that 50 minutes pales in comparison to the at least 10 hours the student spends in their home environment. When students are in an area where there aren't any educated adult role models, students don't always see the point to doing well in school. What I have to teach them doesn't keep them safe from gangs. They struggle to see that there's a light at the end of that dangerous tunnel and that a solid education is the key to head to the light.

I'm frustrated that so many parents aren't taking accountability for their children's educational progress. Truly, their teachers can only do so much with what they are given. If kids live in a place where their parents don't think that education is very important, belittle what their child's teachers say or do in front of them, or are uneducated themselves, some students will share that belief and progress at school will be a complete challenge. Children reflect what they are taught by their parents. If parents are positive and supportive of their child's teachers and develop a good relationship with them, students will be much more successful at school. I've had too many instances where my students have made up terrible stories to get out of trouble for their grades and instead of that parent coming to me and asking what's going on, I get accusatory e-mails and phone calls telling me to fix their child's grade because they said I made a mistake. Rarely, will a student fess up to not doing the assignment. I understand that parents want to see the best in their kids, but the student's teacher is not the enemy; they're on the same side as parents and belittling their profession by ordering them to change a child's grade instead of just inquiring about what's happening with the assignment is no way to communicate that responsibility with teachers and it doesn't help the students at all. Instead, it makes students think that they can just get their teachers in trouble whenever something happens that they don't like.

The most intriguing aspect of who is involved in this manifesto is none other than the superintendent of the school district from which I am a product. This was a school that was geographically segregated until I was nearly finished with elementary school, where the district is over 200 million in debt due to the lawsuit that ended that segregation, where the teachers have to strike every time there's a contract negotiation because they want their teachers to work for poverty wages. I keep reading about how districts want to use merit pay as a way to attract the best teachers. Guess what? The best teachers don't want your merit pay. Their bonus is watching their students be successful. Teachers driven by financial gain are not always the best teachers. We merely want to be paid fairly and respected in our profession. Are there teachers who go against all the positive things I've mentioned and that need to be removed from classrooms? Of course. I think we need to see more of the "decision makers" in education visiting classrooms to see for themselves what good teachers are doing. It's much more valid than using test scores.

Here's the link for the article in which this response is to: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/10/07/AR2010100705078.html

Girl Dates and Other Fun Summer Things

As a teacher, the summer is truly the best opportunity to unwind and feel completely free of professional obligations (at least, until curriculum work veers its ugly head in late July), so I find it refreshing engage myself in a few satisfying experiences that I deprive myself of for 10 months of the year.

First, going out on a school night! I refuse to go anywhere after I get home from work Sunday through Wednesday. I need rest, sleep (yes, there's a difference), time to grade/lesson plan, catch up on tv, and maybe actually see my husband. So, the girls date I got to enjoy last night at Cooper's Hawk was a great treat. I've never been to this establishment before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I was pleasantly surprised. All the food was outstanding and I left becoming a member of their wine club. (yippee!) Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to get there during the school year.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, the secret is out. I am an enormous fan of this show. I start every summer vacation by taking a few all-nighters watching this entire series. Now, I've had some house guests and other things pop up along the way, so at three weeks in, I'm just now making my way to that goal. But, staying up all night is something I would never attempt during the school year, even on break. The sleep schedule is a precious thing. Don't mess with it.

Scary movie marathons. During the school year, I don't typically have time to watch one movie, let alone a marathon. So, being able to devote an entire day to vegging on the couch without concern of grading, lesson plans, getting my own homework done, or replying to emails is simply heaven.

Cooking. I start a work day completely intending to cook my husband a great, home cooked meal when I get home, but after a 9 hour work day and 3 hours commuting, I often loose my steam to then stand in the kitchen for an hour and cook. He often must endure take out, quick trips to easy restaurants like TGIFridays, or leftovers from the weekend. Now, I get to cook lunch and dinner! Doing this makes the grocery bill a little higher, but we're eating better quality meals, aren't going out, and it helps my husband and I lose all the weight we gained during the school year.

Sleep. I can't go to bed early. No matter how exhausted or sleep deprived I am, I can't go to bed before 10:30. So, when you get up at 5 am, that's not a good number for sleep. I can stay up late, late, late, but getting up early, early, early is definitely part of the reason I'm getting gray hair. I could force myself to go to bed at 8 pm and feel exactly the same as I would at 5 am had I gone to bed at midnight. So, I may as well stay up and be productive! Either way, my brain and body LOVE sleeping until the sun rises. So, after a few school free days, my body quickly starts sleeping until 9 am on the dot. It becomes a chore when I have to wake up earlier than that for appointments and such. In fact, just the notion that I may have to get up early to take my car to the car doctor Saturday morning (ut, oh) is already making me upset.

What work rituals do you have when your on vacation or enjoying the weekend? Any suggestions during my freedom?

dieting...

Dieting in the summer is probably one of the most difficult times of the year to diet, what with all the barbecue parties all summer long. But, because I like a good challenge, I started a diet this past Monday. What's most helpful is that my husband and I are in it together. We can support one another in good snacking choices, are required to eat the same good dinners, and can help each other resist temptation. What diet are we on, you ask? Well, this is a diet that has worked for us in the past, we've just sort of neglected it for the last few years. We're on the first phase of the South Beach Diet.

What's so great about this diet, you ask? Well, for people like myself and my husband who love carbs and sugar, this diet does a great job of helping you stop craving such naughty food choices, so they can be enjoyed in moderation. In phase 1 of this diet, all fruits are eliminated, due to their high sugar content, corn, carrots, and ALL carbs: no pasta, rice, potatoes, bread, baked goods, cookies, candies, or ice cream. These items are eliminated due to their high sugar content or placement on the glycemic index.

It's not as challenging as it sounds. It's only for two weeks. In those two weeks, the body is detoxed of all these carbs and sugars and will crave them less. They're slowly reintroduced, so you don't feel deprived and inevitably fall off the diet wagon. I've had to be pretty creative with my cooking, being that I cook a lot of pasta and potatoes. We've been eating a lot of steamed cauliflower and broccoli, mashed cauliflower, hummus, celery, cabbage, salads, eggs, pepper sautes, and lots and lots of meat.

I've lost a few pounds this week, although I think it's mostly been water weight. There's a chance I may have strayed a couple of times this week, which may impact the diet's impact. We'll see what next week holds. My husband's lost 5 pounds already. This diet works really well if you've got at least 20 pounds to lose.

Daycare Soap Box

Over the years, I've learned that daycare facilities hide what it costs to send your child to their facility until you're about to sign the dotted line. So, I find myself randomly googling daycare pricing facts, hoping that some place has broken the mold and made their costs available online, or, that some awesome blogger posted the information themselves.

Having spent two years working in a swanky daycare facility and spending time nannying, I understand what high price day care can get you and what it realistically costs to have someone care for your child while you're at work. Now, I know that I cannot afford the swanky facility in which I worked (you'd be surprised to know that my pay at this facility did not mirror what the parents paid in tuition) and realistically understand that it's the price of daycare that is wedging itself between my husband and I having a child. I also know that I am not comfortable with home daycare facilities and I disagree with nannying when you have only one child. While googling tonight, I came across this article from care.com:


http://www.care.com/child-care-nanny-cost-p1145-q83979.html

The Nanny Guide: Nanny Cost

Find out about pay rates for nannies

Christine Koh, Care.com contributing writer   |    27 Comments

This article was really honest and interesting as far as what parents should expect to pay for an in-home daycare provider and understanding that you get what you pay for. I was DISGUSTED with how many parents talk about negotiating lower rates with nannies, how they simply cannot afford what they know they should pay a nanny, etc. This would not fly at any of these people's jobs. Being told that your boss knows that you deserve $16 an hour, but I can only give you $10 to do the same work, and claiming that a nanny who declines that job is "only in it for the money" is ridiculous. Everyone has bills/financial commitments. If you can't pay the proper amount for a job, then that means you cannot have the work done. If I can't afford to pay a landscaper the $500 I'm supposed to give them for a job, then I do the work myself, or it doesn't happen. If you can't afford what it costs to care for a child, then you CAN'T AFFORD to have a/nother kid. Be responsible about your finances. You know what you can/can't afford. If you know $1000 a month isn't in the budget to care for your child while you're at work, be responsible and wait until you have that money.

I dislike that my husband and I keep putting off having a child, but, I can only imagine how challenging our lives would be if we just had a kid because we want one, without factoring in the financial responsibility of caring for that child when I go back to work. It seems extremely irresponsible to have children all willy-nilly (because you need 4 kids....please, the world is overpopulated enough as it is AND there aren't enough jobs in the world either) without factoring in what the household budget can handle. I don't want to fight with my husband about what we can/can't afford because we just HAD to have our child now. It would be selfish of us to bring a child into the world, knowing we can't afford care for him/her in our absence. I wish other people would start seeing it that way. Kids don't deserve low-end daycare and shouldn't be exposed to their parents fighting about money/experiencing stress because they had more kids than the household budget can afford. Just make responsible decisions. The financial choice to have a child is similar to other big financial decisions, such as a house. You need to budget for more than just diapers and this financial investment is much more permanent than a house.